Five Alarm Funk and Hey Ocean!--Double Header R on R Show

I've been putting off writing this review.

I have to admit it's because I really don't feel like writing it any more. The only reason I'm dragging my fingers to the keyboard is because I said I would. And, being a lass of my word, here I am.

Why? Is it because the concert stank and I don't know how to tactfully place my words so as to not offend? Is it because it was just lame and I don't want to bother?

Far from. It's because it was so amazingly good. Point final.

So, feeling kind of greedy about it, I don't want to spread the word, let alone on the Internet, because, well, then others (including reps, agents etc.) could learn more about them, which might mean that Vancouver would, yet again, lose some of its best talent, but then again, if I don't, others will rave anyway, so here it goes:

Hey Ocean!




Take an adorable girl, Ashleigh Ball, give her some incredible vocal talent and spunk, put her in an even more adorable bumblebee outfit with little bouncy antennae and surround her with some hot musicians decked out in bee keeper outfits. Add in some awesome guitar riffs, good sound (except for some of the early feedback), fine lyrics and catchy melodies and you've got Hey Ocean Friday October 20th. During Hey Ocean's set the audience pretty much stood mesmerized most of the time.


Where's the pirate Waldo and the pirate captain? Can you spot them in the page? Can you say "Yarrr matey!"?
I have to say that I've been a fan of Hey Ocean since I discovered them on MySpace a while back. They give me the same kind of bells going off sensation as I felt when I first saw Diana Krall years before she went big. I will never forget seeing her play her piano tunes and feeling like she had a little something something to make that mass appeal. Only, take that something something and multiply it a few times to fill up a few sea basins, because that's the oceanic size I feel in the potential of this band.

You'll have to check them out for yourself to see that I tell no lies. Remember No Doubt before they got big? No, not ska, talking authenticity. Remember what it feels like after you've been out in the cold and come home to someone wonderful who makes it all better again? Or the feeling of taking a dip after a day working in the hot sun? How truly...

refreshing.



That's the kind of addictively nutritious quality Hey Ocean possess. All they have to do is keep up what they are doing, watch out for egos and agents, and there is no doubt in my mind that wonderful things will manifest for this crew...


Five Alarm Funk

Well, if it sounds like I'm gushing over Hey Ocean, you are right, but as if the evening wasn't good enough, the big FAT cherry on the top of the night was Five Alarm Funk.


(Clickable infrared photo by Berman.)

We're talking a cherry the size of James and the Giant Peach here. Something you can climb right inside of, groove in and chew on. A cherry also big enough to fit a crowd that would pack R on R's to beyond capacity, seeing as the line up on the 20th literally went around the block and I know a few disgruntled folk who did not get in. Keep this in mind: when you want to see these guys, buy advanced tickets!

By the time Five Alarm came on later in the evening people had had a few, and were keyed up for action, and it's a good thing because they needed that energy. If you haven't seen Five Alarm Funk in concert, and you plan to, make sure that you get plenty of rest the night before, drink fluids the day of, and do a bit of stretching before the show, because even if you don't like dancing, somehow, some way, you'll probably end up getting your freak on at least at some point during the night (unless you have a bad case of stick-up-your tooty-Vancouveritis). In that vein, here is a shot proving that I can get funky on the dance floor as well as on the key pad:


This is the second time I've seen FAF live. The first was a sold out show at the Commodore, which blew me away. I didn't think it could get much better Friday, but it did. If any of you Five Alarm boys are reading, you pushed the bar there, but now it's that much higher...




Friday at Richards was even better than their 'regular act' as we were treated to not only a musical barage of chakra cleaning and cresting grooves, but a visual Halloween spirit montage as well. Most of the fellas sported some sort of kooky costume which made them come off like the offspring of The Village People on speed. There was a horned devil, a chivalrous knight, and even a gorilla on bongos who kept his fat furry costume on the WHOLE set.

The whole set!

Whether it's because having twelve young men on stage fills up the room with some flaming pheromones, or because their tunes pummel away any sense of care about maintaining a neat image in favour of bouncing around like a maniac is up to debate. However, whichever way you look at it, Five Alarm Funk is one of the funnest, funkyest live acts on the continent.

_________________________
Click on here for Hey Ocean's MySpace page with links to their website, photos, downloadable music and upcoming gig information.

Click on here for Five Alarm Funk's MySpace page that has music samples, photos, gigs, and links to their main website.

Thank-you to Nuria P. for camera usage and some photos.

Three More Reasons Why Banana Slugs are COOL

This is Part II in the Banana Slug chronicles, after Part I.

Reason Number 1

Hedgehogs are so yesterday. For those who are hard to buy gifts for, presenting banana slug designer chocolate!! Mmmmmm... Bet you just can't stop at one...


Reason Number 2



Banana slug felt stuffies! Yes, this is real, and part of the latest underground felt stuffy craze. Click on the image to go the Fishcakes Store where you can see this and other neat items (and in time for Christmas too). Yes, this is the "must have" item of the day, and I know you are going to want one, but be forewarned that they might be sold out...


Reason Number 3 (For mature audiences only)

Banana slugs can live up to 7 years and grow up to 10 inches long!

"Ok...that's kind of cool," you say. "But so what?"

Well, what’s even more remarkable is with regards to their phalluses—after which a certain subspecies has taken its scientific name, Ariolimax dolichophallus, which means "giant phallus".

Do I have your attention now? Why would a creature be named after their male sex organ? Well...drum roll please...these creatures have boy parts that can grow to be almost as long as their bodies!

"GASP....What?!"

Yes! As loooong as their bodies!

And, considering that banana slugs grow to be 7-10" long, well... ahem... guys, although you are much larger in total size, the slugs kind of have you there not only proportionally but in acutal measures! There is no denying it. The facts are facts.

Before any of you alpha males that may be reading start to get jealous, however, there is still something for you to be smug about and the slugs to be in fear of...

While their penile length IS a remarkable macho feat for a “primitive” creature, these critters are prone to a malady called gigantism (which is actually studied by some biologists...yes, look it up!). Gigantism is about the downside of, well, slugs having gigantic wee wees.

What's the problem? Well, when these hermaphroditic creatures copulate they circle each other for a loooong time. While this may seem like an erotic dance, it also has a very practical application. If a slug overestimates its potential mate's size, it may later regret it immensely. Being hermaphroditic, both slugs have penises AND orifices, and they insert their penises into the other's orifice during copulation.

Well, if a slug miscalculates its mate's size its penis can become stuck in the other slug's orifice! This may seem tantric but it can soon turn gory. What happens when a slug becomes thusly stuck? Well, its mate will then proceed to slowly and systematically chew off its phallus in order to disengage. OUCH!! That's good grounds for the follow up horror movie to Snakes on a Plane if you ask me...

Slugs in the Dirt!

(Although the horror would have to be more slug paced, kind of like Snakes on a Plane meets Lost in Translation.)

Yet, again attesting to their evolved superiority in many ways, once a slug has its phallus chomped off in this manner, all is certainly not lost. If it can get over the initial shock and fluid loss, our bobbitted friend could simply shimmy off and carry on its previously placid life.... as a girl. No operations necessary and no questions asked.

This only goes to prove that, just like time in Einstein's theory of relativity, evolution is a relative phenomenon.

QED

What do you think about banana slugs? Friend or foe? Feel free to leave a comment below.

SPANK!

Doug is a serious genius scientist, but we wouldn't know it to look at him on stage, where his and our underbellies are exposed with relish. Welcome to the theatrical production, SPANK!, a futuristic world of entheogen eye drops and dangerous laughter, where the key to enlightenment is hidden in our junk DNA, picking one's nose provides access to system control, and "thought is a measurable value" to be manipulated and commoditized as part of a giant addictive role playing game. Brainchild of playwright and director, Andy Thompson, himself a professed recovering online video game addict, SPANK! is much more than a foray into the world of addictive gaming. There is something tasty in this production for everyone.

With recognizable elements of Terry Gilliam's Brazil (with shiny ducts and revolutionaries akin to H. Tuttle), The Matrix (trapped in the machine), and Vanilla Sky (will he really die if he jumps off that ledge?), mixed in with genetic biology, burlesque, and comic existentialism (such as antagonist characters eerily reminiscent of Teletubbies gone bad with Dr. Seuss flair), SPANK! is a menagerie of modernity, with existential angst well mixed into the abusurdly hilarious. Philosophy aside, I want to know where I can get one of those pleather suits with the removable headgear in time for Halloween!

I wasn't sure what to expect when I was invited to this theatrical production, touted as the "first ever play to be custom-created for The Virtual Stage", a real multimedia menagerie. I suppose I was expecting a high brow avante garde production with its head stuck up somewhere I didn't care to go, but I was absolutely wrong. SPANK! is refreshing in plot and characterization in spite of borrowed themes. From Doug, our lonely hero, Isadora, our flaming haired rebel, Flower Vines, our virtual girlfriend to rotund but feisty tech support and a dominating red-faced beaurocrat, the cast of SPANK! shines and coordiates swimmingly with the prerecorded video and sound installations. With such theatrical elements, film and sound seamlessly interwoven, this production is indeed a multimedia one-of-a-kind experience that I would like to see more of. For instance, how many times do you get to see a computer generated virtual blonde gyspy schoolgirl in lilac lingerie actually crawl off of the screen and onto the floor?

The debut audience shared my enthusiasm for SPANK!, judging by the volume of laughs throughout and the applause at the end. More than "multimedia theatre", this is theatre for those who hate theatre, film for those who hate film, existentialism for those who love to navel gaze and fun for those who love fun. Attending is worth it at the very least to see hot bodies in skanky outfits with red knobs in questionable places, see the main character learn to fly and talk to "god", figure out why so many of the characters seem to have multiple personality disorders, and to laugh at the extreme closeups of the villains, whose power relies on maintaining their "administrative privileges".


Why not give SPANK! a try? You never know, you just might become addicted yourself.

SPANK! runs at the Roundhouse Performance Center in Yaletown from Oct 7-20, 2006.
Ticket Cost: $22.50-$26.50